


After the Fact

by CinnabarTheGreat



Series: Connverse loveliness in the pre-Steven-moves-out months [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Crying, F/M, Familial Love, Finally some rest for this kid, Friendship, Guilt, Hugs, Romantic Fluff, Some angst, Talking, Trauma, obviously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:19:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23517553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CinnabarTheGreat/pseuds/CinnabarTheGreat
Summary: Corruption sure takes a lot out of you.Steven's feeling better, but things will never really be back to normal. Luckily, he doesn't have to solve all his problems in one night. He needs some time to wind down, and Connie's here to help. He sure has a lot he wants to tell her.Takes place directly after the events of I Am My Monster.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Series: Connverse loveliness in the pre-Steven-moves-out months [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1692256
Comments: 22
Kudos: 146





	After the Fact

He may have looked it again, but Steven still didn’t feel like himself. 

Maybe it was the odd twisting in his insides and pulsing of his gem as a result of shifting from a human teenager to a hundred-ton monster, and back again, in a little less than an hour. Maybe it was because his eyes were still stinging from all the tears. Or maybe because of the ringing inside of his head that he couldn’t seem to shake. When the cluster let him down gently onto the beach he insisted on being able to walk on his own, each limb heavy and numb, like they were detached from his own body. Like they were someone else’s. He did his best to just put one foot in front of the other. Lion stayed by his side as if he might fall, and the others were almost as close, obviously trying their best not to crowd him. If they were saying anything to him, he couldn’t hear it. 

The Diamonds and Spinel were the first to leave. Their ship had a few dents, but wasn’t as damaged as he feared, and was upright and ready to go in no time. White, Yellow, and Blue seemed to understand that Steven needed his space, and eventually managed to convince Spinel of the same. They didn’t seem to fully comprehend what had happened, at least not as well as the Crystal Gems, but knew they were part of the problem. They promised Steven they’d be waiting whenever he decided to visit. Before leaving, White Diamond looked down and gave him one last smile. It was shy and apologetic, unlike anything he’d ever seen from her. He stared up at her towering form and couldn’t bring himself to reciprocate it. The smile faded and she turned to follow the others onto the ship. And then they were gone. 

The cluster gave a thumbs-up and a little wave before retreating back into the ocean, and when Steven turned away from it Bismuth was kneeling in front of him, Lapis and Peridot on either side of her, with her eyes fixed on his. 

“Steven,” she asserted. The softest voice she could manage, he guessed. At least he could hear her. He tried to hold eye contact instead of turning to look at his feet or starting to cry again. “There’s so much we want to say to you. There are a whole lot of apologies that are overdue for us. But this is about _you_. So we understand if you just want to rest for now. Visit us in Little Homeworld when you’re ready to talk.” 

Steven nodded with a small smile. The armored gem patted him on the shoulder and got up, taking in the house behind her. The roof had been saved, but the entire front was blasted apart. “And I’ll be back with tools and supplies tomorrow. Have that house of yours back in shape again in no time.” This time Steven couldn’t help but look at his feet. “Alright. Peridot, Lapis?” 

“Get some rest, Steven. We’ll be here.”

“We’ll see you soon, Steven. The... ah...CPH reboot is on tomorrow at nine, if you want to watch it live!”

Lapis shot Peridot a look, but Steven chuckled. “I-I wouldn’t miss it.” His voice was croaky but at least he was forming sentences now. With that the Gems, his dad, and Connie led him over to the house. He stopped before reaching the stairs to the porch and beheld the damage. The gaping monster-sized hole, the shattered windows, the splintered wood. The violent result of something huge and dangerous. All of a sudden he noticed the wind blowing around him, and the sky getting darker. He shivered and hugged the blanket around himself even tighter. 

An arm rested on his shoulders. It was his dad. “Come on, buddy. Let’s get you inside.”

* * *

“Uh… might not be much warmer in here. Sorry, bud.” 

Steven mumbled that he was alright and walked over to the couch to sit down, unable to face the side of the wall he'd destroyed. From here, everything looked intact. Like nothing had even happened. 

“Did I... hurt anyone?” Was the first thing he managed to ask. 

“Don’t worry, Steven,” said Garnet, taking off her shades, a reassuring yet seemingly impossible request right now. All the gems and Greg were now gathered around him, eyes fixed on him in a loving but all the same stress-inducing way. “No one was hurt. And none of Beach City was damaged, either. Connie evacuated the town for us, just to be safe.” 

“C-Connie…” He turned to find her, wearing the warmest smile he didn’t deserve. She was standing off a little farther than the others, and hadn’t spoken since… since outside. He wanted to say something to her, but what in the world could he say? The words died before they even reached his throat. He felt like he might cry again. 

Just then Pearl put her hand on his lap, and he turned to look at her “Steven,” Her tone was so gentle, and he could tell she was actively quelling her worry to keep it that way. “I’m so sorry you had to go through this on your own. We love you so much. And we want you to know that we’ll be there for you. You don’t have to worry about getting angry. You can tell us what’s been bothering you.” 

“Yeah, man. We don’t want you bottling anything up.” Amethyst appeared on his opposite side. “We know we shoulda said something sooner. _I_ shoulda said something _way_ sooner. I mean, I…” she stopped herself. “Look, we can take it. We’re here to listen, buddy.” 

Steven was silent for a few moments after that. He shuffled in his blanket, uncomfortably. 

“I-I really did it, you know.” 

“Did what?”

“It was an accident,” he whispered. “I’m so, so sorry. It was an accident. We were training and… it just felt so good to get my anger out. I lost control. I wasn’t thinking. And she… she… she looked so scared…” 

His hands were shaking, now. He focused on them instead of everyone else. But he could still feel them glancing at one another, waiting for someone to speak.

Garnet finally did, from in front of him. All three of her eyes showed so much concern, “You fixed your mistake, Steven. And you feel remorse. None of us hold anything against you. And you shouldn’t hold anything against yourself.” 

“But that makes me… even worse than... than _her…_ it makes me terrible…” 

“Steven, of course you’re not…” Pearl began.

“Dude, come on, you’re like, the nicest guy in the whole galaxy!” Amethyst shouted with her arms in the air, causing him to jump. Of _course_ it was an accident! You’re not bad! It’s not your fault you have these crazy diamond powers that _nobody_ understands and that you… you were upset and… mad at yourself! I know what it’s like! She was probably _asking_ for it, too!” 

“Amethyst!” Pearl growled.

“I’m serious! Honestly dude, even _she_ didn’t seem that phased by it. Don’t beat yourself up over a gem like her.” 

“B-but…I thought about… White...I mean... _shattering_ a gem… it’s....” 

“Not something you would ever do on purpose.” Garnet put a hand to his shoulder. You’ve done so much good for us, Steven. Helped us in so many ways. But I fear we haven’t returned the favor very well. Haven’t taken into account what effect everything you’ve been through might have on a gem like yours.”

“But he’s not just a gem!” Greg cried, clearly unable to hold himself back any longer. “He’s got a human side too! And maybe if I’d treated him a little bit more like one… then all of this gem stuff wouldn’t be causing him so much stress! He was right to be mad at me. I kept saying I was there for him, but… I never really was.”

Steven looked down at his hands again. There was so much he wanted to tell them. It felt good to have them here, to know that they were going to listen and care no matter what, through corruption and shattering and anything else. But it was also kind of suffocating. And the words just weren’t coming to him right now. 

“C-can you guys please go bring everyone back into town?” He said suddenly. “I don’t want them to worry anymore than… I just want to get them all back.” 

A pause. “Are you sure, Steven?” Pearl asked, “We want to be here for you…”

“I know. And there’s... a lot I need to say, too. I’ll tell you about everything. The diamonds, a-and the hospital, and all the glowing… but I think I need some time to think things over. And the townspeople really need to go home so…. so they can sleep, too.” 

Garnet smiled and put back on her shades, “Of course.” 

“You think about other people too much, man,” Amethyst said, gently punching his arm. “We’ll be back as soon as we can. Take it easy, okay?” 

“But are you sure it’s okay to leave him, Garnet?” Pearl asked. Steven couldn’t help describing the look on her face as fear. Of him becoming _that_ again. He couldn’t really blame her. He’d already checked his skin several times in the past few minutes, just to make sure. 

“I’ll be okay, Pearl.” He smiled up at her.

“Steven needs some time to himself,” Garnet said. “It’s been a lot for him. Call if you need us, alright, Steven?”

The boy nodded. Then turned to look at his father, who was glancing nervously between him and the gems leaving the house. “Are you hungry, Steven? Or thirsty? Do you need me to get you anything? Are you… does anything hurt?” 

“No, Dad. I’m fine. You should go with them. Help the townspeople.”

“Are you sure?”

He nodded, “I think they still trust you a little more than the gems. It would be good to have you there. Right now I just need… some space, honestly. I… I promise I’ll talk more in the morning, though.” 

Greg wrapped his son in a huge hug, his voice choking a little. “Take all the time you need, schtu-ball. I’m so proud of you. You’re sure you’re not hungry? I can get you ice cream, if you need it.”

“I’m not hungry, Dad. Really.” 

* * *

Steven took a deep breath and relaxed the tight grip on his blanket a little that was keeping his hands from shaking. He found Connie, sitting backwards now on one of the dining chairs. Her eyes followed Greg out of what _would_ have been the door, then came back to him. “I know you need your space, Steven. You must really be tired. But I get it if you don’t want to be completely alone, either.” 

“I-I…” Steven looked around. She was right, he _did_ need space, but not from her. “I don’t. Can you… do you mind…”

She walked over to sit next to him, giving him a considerate distance. “Not at all.”

“A-am I bad, for telling them to leave?” Steven didn’t think his voice had ever been so quiet. 

“Absolutely not. I know they’re just trying to help you, but it’s... a lot right now. I wouldn’t blame you if you tuned half out of what they were just saying.” 

Steven chuckled a little. “They care so much. I just didn’t know… if they still would…”

Connie turned her head forward so she could meet his eyes. “Of _course_ they would. We’re here for you, Steven. No matter what.” 

Steven’s eyes darted around a little, and he stood up. “T-thanks. I’m… gonna go up to my room and put some pajamas on, if you don’t mind.”

“Do that right away. You must be freezing.” 

He hurried up the stairs into his room, more aware than ever of the blanket over him and how gratefully big it was. He turned to see if Connie still had her eyes on him, but she was instead staring through the giant hole at the front of the house, where the sun was now setting, motionless. 

He tried to press down the guilt that was bubbling up inside him again. It wasn’t nearly as bad as before, but despite everyone’s reassurances it seemed like it had no intention of going away anytime soon. He draped the blanket over his desk chair, and changed as the sun finally disappeared outside. The teenager turned on the light and sat on the foot of his bed a moment. He was comfortable, but at the same time he wasn’t. Everything was still kind of numb. Lifeless. Suspended. He called downstairs:

“Hey… Connie? You can come up here now, if you want! It’s a little less, uh… drafty.” 

He returned her shy smile as she came up the stairs, and took a seat beside him. After a few moments he leaned his head on her shoulder, and she did the same on his mess of curly hair. Then she reached over to take his still-shaking hand in hers. Steven could feel the hot, briny tears before they even came rolling down his face. He let them come. His best friend stayed so gratefully silent for a while, only rubbing his fingers now and then.

“Connie?” He eventually asked. Once the tears had stopped, and his hands were still again.

“Yeah?”

“I... really don’t know how to thank you. Like, I know I said thanks before, but I don’t think it’s ever gonna be enough...” 

“Steven, you don’t need to…”

“No, no, I do. Connie, you deserve _so_ many thank yous. For everything. I just… these last few weeks have been so hard… and I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”

She shifted to face him, forcing him to keep eye contact, “I knew something was going on with you. I just wish you’d talked to me about it.” 

“It’s my fault. I didn’t want you to worry.”

“Well, we already know how that tends to work out.” 

Steven smiled apologetically, but it quickly faded. “I… heard what you said. Before. It’s really okay if I get... angry, sometimes? I just want to be happy for you, and the gems…” 

“Not even you can be happy all the time, silly.” Connie gave him a little teasing smirk. “But if I’m being honest, when I first met you, I thought that’s what you were. You were constantly so happy and supportive and kind. Even when the gems around you were the exact opposite. I mean, that’s how you ended up saving the galaxy, right?”

“Well, I don’t deserve all the credit for that.”

Connie laughed. “But you don’t understand, Steven, I’m _glad_ that I finally get to see this side of you for real. And I feel awful you felt like you had to hide it from me. You don’t have to be perfect for me, you know. I want the _real_ Steven. Not the one always trying to please everyone.” 

Steven’s heart fluttered. He was starting to feel a little more comfortable. Like the colors were returning around him and he could actually feel the fabric of his pajamas on his skin. “I just don’t want to get out of control again, you know? I don’t want to _hurt_ anyone else. I’ve already done so much damage. Stupid… _what was it_... gem cortisol!”

“ _Gem_ cortisol?” 

He sighed. “Yeah. Your mom said that’s what’s been causing all the glowing and the pink.”

“Right. At the hospital.”

“Did she tell you anything about it?”

“She did. I asked her what she thought the underlying problem was. I hope you understand. I didn’t want to invade your privacy, but I was so worried.”

“I understand. I mean, I wasn’t gonna do anything about it myself. What did she… say it was? Trauma?”

“Well, she’s no psychiatrist, but she says the most likely diagnosis is complex post-traumatic stress disorder.”

Steven went quiet, then looked at Connie, unsure. “Those are a lot of scary-sounding words.”

“I know. But I don’t think it’s anything to be afraid of. Sometimes people feel stressed and upset. With everything you’ve been through, I mean, you’re bound to feel a little more of that than others sometimes, right? 

“I guess so. That’s what your mom was saying. Like, my gem’s reacting to little things like it’s the end of the world again. And then it makes _me_ feel like it’s the end of the world. I just… hate feeling this way. _So_ much.”

“I know. And it might be hard for a little while. But things are gonna get better, starting now. Trust me.”

But he was still churning the diagnosis she’d just given him around in his head, and she certainly noticed. Did she regret telling him what her mom thought so soon? Maybe she thought he couldn't take it. But he _could_ take it, right? Like she said, nothing to be afraid of. 

“Hey, you wanna watch some TV?" Connie asked. "Take your mind off stuff?”

“That sounds great, thanks.”

* * *

The live action reboot of Koala Princess was on, and they watched in silence for a bit. Steven’s hand was squeezing Connie’s a little tighter than usual, but he couldn’t help it, and she didn’t seem to mind. 

"This is awful."

"Yeah. Kinda funny, though."

“So... if you can broadcast your subconscious… does that mean you could, theoretically, like, change TV shows to go however you want them to?”

He smiled. “Tried that already. Way less fun than it sounds. I tell ya, those producers really have their work cut out for them.” 

Connie giggled and leaned over to hug the boy around the stomach. “There’s my Steven.”

It was a better feeling than he ever could have imagined. He felt safe and secure for the first time in who knows how long. He wrapped his own arms around hers and closed his eyes, so grateful for the fact that they were finally _talking_. He’d always wanted to tell Connie about this stuff. It just seemed so scary and uncertain. And it became downright impossible after… the proposal. 

“Hey, Connie? Thanks for talking me out of trying to marry you.” 

At that the girl fell back and laughed. A real, rollicking laugh that led to her immediately trying to muffle herself with her hand once she saw Steven’s reaction. “Oh, no. It’s no problem, Steven, really. It was a sweet gesture, and the song was beautiful, but…”

“I know. I know. Way too soon. I was _such_ an idiot. I was just so... _upset_ with myself. And I figured if I could be Stevonnie with you forever, then I wouldn’t have to worry about my own problems anymore. But that was really selfish of me. You have your own life to live. And I’ve gotta figure my problems out on my own.”

“Not completely on your own, though.”

“Right. Not completely.” 

The credits started rolling on the TV and Connie got up to turn it off, “So. Did you have any other thank yous planned for me? Or did you finally want to get some rest?” 

“Oh gosh, yes. I did. Thank you for calling Dad when I was at the hospital, and for going with me to the hospital and asking your mom to see me, and for checking up on me so many times, and for talking during your study breaks, and for not laughing at me when I was being so clumsy on those roller skates…” 

“You were _adorable_ on those roller skates. It was a solid first try.” 

“And for evacuating the town for me, and--”

“Steven! Steven. I was kidding. You don’t need to thank me for anything.” 

“Are you sure? ‘Cause I have a separate list of apologies too, if you…” 

“ _Steven_. You don’t need to apologize, either. You don’t need to worry about anything. I understand, and I’m okay, and I’m not going anywhere. Really. I’ll say it as many times as I need to.” 

He sighed. He was so ready to talk about how terrible he was and plead for her forgiveness, but he should’ve known that wouldn’t be so easy with Connie. And as lovely as it was to have her there, he felt like he might collapse at any moment. And she must be tired too, after all. 

“Oh my gosh, Connie!” he jumped to his feet. “You’re not late getting home, are you? Are your parents gonna be worried about you? Do you need to study?” 

“Calm down. Calm down. I told my parents what was going on before I left. They’re expecting me home later.”

“Okay. You’ve got a way to get back, though?”

“I saw Lion waiting outside. I’ll be alright. You get to bed. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

“Right. Okay.” 

There was a brief silence between them before Connie asked “Steven?”

“Yeah?”

“I just wanted to say. You’ve never been a monster. Or a fraud. You’re a human, like me. And that’s... not so bad, right?” 

Steven looked at his best friend with all the awe in the world and immediately wrapped her in a tight hug, which she gladly reciprocated. He started something somewhere between laughing and crying. “It really sucks, actually.” 

Now it was Connie’s turn to do the same. “I know it does. See, this is what I was talking about! You gotta be honest about how much things suck sometimes!” 

“I mean… I don’t exactly love my gem half either…” 

“Well,” Connie muttered into his shoulder. “For the record, I love both of them. And I think you should, too.” 

“What about…” he mused, unable to stop himself from smiling. “When they’re together?”

She picked her head up and wrapped her arms around his neck, “ _Especially_ when they’re together. Oh gosh, I don’t need to remind you that I love you too, do I?”

She didn’t, but it felt good to get confirmation. And hearing it said out loud just made it all the more magical. All of a sudden Steven felt, possibly literally, light as air. He couldn’t seem to form words again. But it didn’t feel anything like the last time. 

“I-I love you too, Connie. So much. Not so much that I’d to marry you, of course. I mean, not marry you right now, that is. I mean--” 

She broke away and cupped his face in her hands, “You don’t know how much I missed you like this. You’ll have to play me that song again, when you get the chance. I think it’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten.” 

“Oh, yeah! I’d love to. But I might need to change some of the lyrics first. And… um… get a new guitar...” 

“What happened to your guitar?”

“Huh? Oh, nothing. I mean, I’ll tell you later. I just wanted a new one. I've wanted a Gibson Hummingbird for...uh…. a while now, anyway. But I don't want to keep you, Connie. You need rest as much as I do.” 

The girl smiled and checked the time on her phone, “Yeah, I should probably go.” She hugged Steven one final time and waited until he started getting into bed, yawning. 

“Connie, can I ask you one more question really quick?” 

“Sure. Anything.” 

“Do your friends think I’m weird?” 

Connie chuckled, “Of course they think you’re weird. And they really like you, by the way. They can’t wait to hang out again.” 

Steven smiled to himself, the thought of hanging out with Connie and all her friends distracting him from everything else. Showing them his powers or telling them their stories as Stevonnie. But it lasted only a second. 

“Oh. It looks like the gems and your dad are coming back.” She squinted out the window. Steven, bundled under the covers, was wearing a look of actual panic that it clearly hurt her to see again. “Do you want me to tell them you’re asleep?” 

Relief washed over the boy’s face. “Please. If you don’t mind. It’s not that I don’t want to talk. I’m just so… exhausted.”

“Get some sleep, then. We all understand.”

“I will. Thanks for everything, Connie.” 

For a second the girl seemed like she was going to reprimand him again for thanking her, and Steven was ready for it, but she stopped herself and said “You’re welcome, Biscuit. Text me anytime. Sleep tight.” 

“You too, Strawberry.” Steven muttered, smiling. A genuine one, not anything like the ones he had used to try and mask his anger that morning. That painful morning that led to the breakdown that felt like days ago now. Yet it had been replaying itself in his head since then. Steven knew there was a lot of work ahead of him. There was still stress and guilt and anxiety and so many scary things looming overhead. Still issues with his family to sort out. Still the whole pink thing to sort out. And what was that long word Connie had used? Something about his trauma. But for at least a brief moment his best friend’s love and conviction was drowning that all out. He’d get through it all, and as himself. As a gem, but most importantly as a human. 

He didn’t hear what Connie said to his family once they met at the door, because he was already fast asleep, smile still faint on his lips. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was super cathartic to write. I hope you got something out of it! 
> 
> \--Cinnabar


End file.
